I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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