why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
