You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
