how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
