singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
