just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
