I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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