that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
