Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
