Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
