He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
