P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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