I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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