just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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