New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
