your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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