Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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