Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
