JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think i have two assholes
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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