Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
