We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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