I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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