someone threw a dead crab at me
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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