Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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