Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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