If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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