I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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