i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This baby is an asshole
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
