I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize