Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
where are my pants?
in the oven.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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