I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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