My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
