she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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