it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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