also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
