So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
