I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
