his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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