i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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