Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
