I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
