How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
