i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
