i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
