If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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