he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
