One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
