Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
