Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
