he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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