We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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