Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
