i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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