I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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