well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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