1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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