I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
