That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
