They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I need water and some morals
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
