I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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