I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Apparently you make a good broom.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
